The costs of holding on….
Since I became a father, there is one thing I learned: I need to let go of how things were before.
It’s remarkable how much of my personality still would like the same amount of me-time, work time, doing multiple sports and the same amount of time to learn and take courses. And of course, the same amount of sleep as before! Any parent out there knows what I am talking about…
One thing I realized: The more I hold onto how things were, the more I struggle. This is not just with parenthood. It’s with every aspect of our working and private life.
Clinging to how things are or desperately holding on to particular feelings or situations will eventually create tension, frustration and discomfort.
When I was climbing the other day, I realized a good metaphor for that: ropeburn! The discomfort of holding on to what is can be equated to the pain that comes from trying to hold on as the rope (of life) is inevitably pulled through our hands. And those sailors and climbers out there know: ropeburn hurts. And it doesn’t heal that fast!
No matter what we do, the rope will be pulled through our hands. If we look deeply at everything around us, we realize that everything is constantly in flux. Everything changes. Even that seemingly solid rock changes all the time. Even your mother in law changes (perhaps in subtle ways and not always to your liking). I won’t even start about the market, politics and the economy.
But also we change all the time. When you sit still and really observe, you can sense that there is constantly something happening at the bodily level all over your body. Hot and cold sensations, itching, throbbing, discomfort, sweating, tickling. Not a single part of your physical body stays the same. Some cells regenerate faster than others, but we’re in a constant renewing process physically. It’s like a river flowing.
The same accounts for our thoughts and emotions. They constantly change like a river as well. Did you ever have an emotion that lasted with the same qualities? They come and go. It’s wonderful when we feel great and happy, but the moment we desperately want that feeling to stay, we’ll quickly loose it again.
Life simply includes both the joys and the sorrows, gains and losses and pleasures and pains. We cannot avoid that as I shared in “In pain? Don’ make it bigger than it is” before.
Besides creating suffering, holding on also has another disadvantage, especially in a work setting. When we want to keep things as they are, we become less innovative, less creative and driven by fear.
Several of my clients lost at some stage perspective on their business and strategy, because they were too occupied with clinging to the status quo. Their inability to ‘let go of the rope’ resulted in missed opportunity, outdated strategies and non-inspirational, fear-based leadership.
We can intellectually grasp this fairly easily and even experience it. Yet, we often live our lives as if things are steady, permanent and unchanging. From living our lives as if we are immortal and our bodies won’t degenerate to assuming that our business will stay successful because it was in the past.
Now sometimes, we may decide not to let go and we might have good reasons for that. We can just know that there is a cost to that. For example, I am fully conscious that I am developing a stronger attachment to my wife Laurence and Tao. I know at some stage that either I will need to leave them or vice-versa and will suffer deeply. I can choose to (try to) detach in order to protect me from that, but it’s not an option I want to pursue. And so I consciously go for attachment fully understanding the consequences. It’s a conscious choice.
For other aspects of my life, I consciously let go. I am getting better at it, but it’s work in progress. Letting go can start with the next breath we take. If we can learn to allow that breath to unfold naturally, without needing to change or manipulate it, then we can gradually apply that to other experiences in our life.
Another practice that helps me when I feel attached and contracted is to take a walk outside and with each left step, whisper ‘let’ and each right step, whisper ‘go’. Let…..go……let…..go.
One thing is important in any letting-go practice: Letting go is a feeling, more than a thought. I have met many clients who have let go of stuff and ‘unfinished business’ at the intellectual level, but not yet at the feeling level. That is not enough. Allow your body to let go, your emotional system to let go. You’ll know when it happens. More lightness and ease arises.
Now I am posting this blog and I am letting go….Breathing in….let….breathing out…..go.
Gaston, Coach, Asian Leadership Institute